Culture Shock: Payback is a very irate Major
by Confushi Sushi
Summary: Teal'c watches. Jack is evil. Daniel helps. Sam gets pissed.


Title: Culture Shock: Payback is a… very irate Major

Author: Confushi Sushi

Email: confushi_sushi@hotmail.com

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None I can think of

Category: Humor

Pairing(s): none

Season: Some time between beginning of 3 and 5

Summary: Teal'c watches. Jack is evil. Daniel helps. Sam gets pissed.

Disclaimer: Not mine… No $. I'm just borrowing for a bit but I'll give 'em right back I swear.

*

"Psst. Daniel!" Jack whispered loudly, his voice heavily slurred. He poked the comatose archaeologist in the shoulder blade, as he was lying on his chest. A half-empty beer bottle was clenched by the neck in Jack's other hand. Ambient lighting filtering in from the outside was the only light in the room. The full moon cast the room's contents in a dreamy silhouette.

"Daniel Jackson has imbibed a substantial amount of alcohol. I do not believe you will be able to awaken him, O'Neill." Teal'c informed Jack from the floor where he had been meditating, all the while still trying to figure out why humans would purposely drug themselves.

"Eh, don't worry, T. I'll get him up. Daniel!" He all but yelled at the sleeping man, then quickly looked over to where Sam lay passed out on the other couch on her back with one arm draped across her head. When he was satisfied that she hadn't been disturbed in the slightest, he returned to his loud whispering. "Daniel."

"Sh'up." Daniel mumbled, then turned his head into the couch but did not wake up.

"Wakey, wakey, Danny-boy." Again he took up poking the man.

"I do not understand what you wish to accomplish." Teal'c added. All three of his friends were very intoxicated; a condition he'd think best to sleep off. The Colonel, however, seemed to have different ideas.

"S'ok, T, you'll see."

"Owwwwww." Daniel rolled over to avoid the incessant finger, but only managed to fall sideways onto the floor. "Whadja do that for?"

"Shhhh," Jack put a finger up to his lips, stumbling in the process, "we don't wanna wake up Carter."

"Why not?"

"Jus get up'n I'll show ya." Jack coerced.

"What time'sit?" Daniel asked as he slowly levered himself into a sitting position.

"Uhh…"

"It is now 1:32 a.m. Daniel Jackson." Teal'c supplied when it was obvious that Jack couldn't.

"Jaaaaaack!" Daniel moaned.

"Quiet, Danny! Now gettup." Jack clumsily set his beer down on the coffee table, the bottle toppling and its contents spilling onto the table and dripping onto the carpet below. He then grabbed the whining man and pulled. If there hadn't been a wall directly behind him, Jack would have ended up on the floor himself, but as it was he made an awful racket when he crashed against the surface, Daniel colliding into him.

Everyone was still as Sam's breathing changed. She rolled onto her side, her back facing out, and let out a sigh. Satisfied that she was still asleep, they all let out a breath they didn't know they were holding. Teal'c even found himself exhaling in relief. He had no idea what Jack was trying to do, but he was very interested to find out now. Whatever it was, apparently Sam had to be asleep.

Jack led the young man towards the bathroom. Teal'c remained where he was and listened to them as they talked conspiratorially, some of their conversation filtering from the room.

"Do what?" Daniel asked in shock. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Nah, It'll be great. Help me with this now." Objects clattered upon the floor, various reports telling of the size and value of the objects in question.

"I don't know."

"Danny!" Jack reprimanded.

"Ok, ok." There was a hollow thud, and then Teal'c heard water running. He tried to piece it all together in his head, but Teal'c had no clue what was going on. Sam took that moment to roll onto her other side, one arm falling in front of the sofa to just barely reach the floor below. Worried for a moment that she was waking up, Teal'c watched her intently, willing her to remain asleep, until he was satisfied that she would remain as she was.

"Sam's gonna kill us, y'know that." Teal'c didn't hear Jack's response. Then he heard the two men stumbling out of the bathroom, water audibly sloshing as they ran up against every wall in their way. As they came into view Teal'c saw a bucket between them, its contents spilling out with every clumsy step the two took. Such a bucket was nothing for one man, but in the two's current condition they could barely carry the thing. As it was most of the water was ending up in their wake, puddling on linoleum or soaking into carpet.

"Try t'keep some of it in the bucket." Jack chided.

"You're the one who can't hold it steady!" Daniel replied. They finally made it in front of the couches, setting down their burden for a moment.

"Dad, n't th'green one." Sam mumbled. They all looked at her questioningly, trying to make sense of the statement. Her dream must have been an interesting one, Teal'c decided.

"I do not understand what the bucket of water is for."

"Oh, c'mon Teal'c. Jaffa don't ever do anything fun to someone else when they're asleep?"

He wasn't sure what Jack meant by fun, but he knew for sure that jaffa never did anything to another jaffa who was sleeping, since jaffa didn't do so. "A jaffa does not require sleep, O'Neill."

"N'wonder you're all so cranky. Watch'n learn." Jack slid the bucket next to Sam's hand, and then slowly lifted it up and dropped it in. As soon as the deed was done, Jack dove into the other couch, trying to look like he was sleeping. Daniel shot him a betrayed look and then dropped to the floor, curling up like a ball. Their charade would have been more successful if they both weren't on the verge of cracking up. Teal'c failed to see the humor of the situation. What was so funny about sticking someone's hand into a bucket of water?

He had thought it impossible to find the Tau'ri any stranger than he already did, but this made him wonder. Nothing was happening, yet Jack and Daniel were giggling like idiots while trying to look like they were sleeping. None of it made sense to him.

Then Teal'c heard a gasp, and turned to see Sam was waking up. "What the hell?" she shouted as she fell to the floor in her attempt to get off the couch as fast as possible. Her tone was far from pleasant. Maybe Daniel Jackson hadn't been exaggerating when he said she would kill them, Teal'c thought. He still didn't get what was going on, at least not until the smell reached him. It was unmistakable, and he wondered what made Daniel and Jack find this so amusing.

She had wet the couch!

Her eyes fell on the two men, no longer able to stifle their laughter in the least. They started laughing so hard they were gasping for air within seconds. Sam's glare became more vehement. But, she didn't say anything. She didn't shout. She didn't throttle them. Teal'c simply watched in mild amusement as she picked up the bucket, aimed, and emptied the contents onto the two conspirators.

"Hey!" Jack cried out, Daniel also protesting the assault. They writhed in the wetness, reminding Teal'c of drowning rodents.

His amusement very quickly changed to surprise as Sam turned to face him, chucking water he didn't realize was left. Teal'c found himself soaked and Sam looked at him angrily.

"That's for letting them." She explained. Had he known their intentions beforehand, he would not have allowed them to do what they did. As it was, Teal'c knew he SHOULD have known something was going on. Even so, he couldn't help the small smile that graced his face; it had been amusing, if only to see Sam take her revenge.

"By the way, sir, you need a new couch." Sam stated angrily as she stormed off, disappearing into his bedroom. She came out moments later with some clothing draped over her arm.

"What do you think you're doing, Carter?" Jack asked as he stood up.

"Taking a shower. I hope you don't mind if I borrow you're favorite shirt." Sam smiled evilly as she disappeared into the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

"That's not fair!" Jack exclaimed. He loved that shirt to death. It was his fishing shirt, and aptly emblazoned on the front was 'If I ain't fishing, I ain't happy'.

The only response his cry received was the sound of the shower turning on. Teal'c had it all decided right then.

The Tau'ri were the oddest race he had ever seen.

~THE END


End file.
